I've Missed You..But It's Complicated!

Writing.  I love it.  It frees my soul.  I miss it.  But I don't seem to have the time for this guilty little pleasure as of late. 

This isn't something that would seem to take a lot of time, but in my world, when I think about sitting down and writing, it seems as though it will take years.  I have these fleeting moments during the day that I could probably grab my keyboard and make a few strokes...but I fear they would be meaningless because my focus wouldn't be on the words and the strokes would just be letters on a screen.

THAT is not what I envision when I 'daydream' about writing!  I picture myself in warm flannel pajamas, wrapped up in an ultra soft cotton blanket with a *very* large cup of JO and my little Newman curled up sleeping at my feet that are cloaked in hand knitted slippers!  THAT. IS. WHAT. I. IMAGINE. 

Realistic?  No.  Not every.single.day.  But once in a while?  Sure!  Why not?  Every girl deserves that sort of fantasy right?  I do believe so! 

But today that is not my reality.  So I sit here, a bit (maybe a big bit) blue and decide to throw all caution (aka responsibility) to the wind and put my cold fingers to my keyboard and stroke words that actually mean something!  You see, writing is my antidepressant.  My Prozac.  My Zoloft.  My Xanax.  Whatever.  It just is.  I chose a long time ago to self medicate with writing instead of 'real' medication.  If I were truly in need of said meds, would I just stop?  No.  I don't think so.  So why have I been so quick to cut this 'medication' MY medication out of my daily life?  that is the question that has been haunting my waking moments, and sometimes my dreams. 


Ok, now that all of that is said I can get onto writing what I really want to write today!


I realize in life that most everyone has a full plate.  I really do understand that.  I don't think that I am the only person on the face of the earth and I can both sympathize and empathize with other human beings.  I know that my life is pretty privileged so understand that I'm not "complaining" I'm "venting"  Everyone needs to vent, right?

When I look back at my marriage, just 3 short years in, it feels like an eternity.  Not because I don't love my husband, not because he doesn't make me happy.  Quite the contrary actually.  I love him more today than I did on the day I married him.  I respect him and cherish him immensely.  But, it feels like an eternity because our life is so full!  Full of amazing things that bring so much joy and blessing to us (and others) but also full of so many other things too...outside forces, responsibilities, commitments, heartbreaks, missing memories...just so much.

The thing I've been trying to figure out for the past couple of months is why do I (we) do so much for people?  It has started to feel like such a chore and I hate that!  I have always been a person who loves to do for others.  I love it. I love to do that random thing that will brighten a day of a friend or stranger, I love to help anyone, and we have.  Boy oh boy have we done that! But, situations this year have made me almost start to despise it, and I don't want that for my life!  I want to have a joyful giving heart...I feel as though it's one of life's keys...a very large key to happiness and success!  And let's just be honest, it makes one feel as though they are floating on air.  It's, at times, euphoric!  Seeing that mom smile because you've just told her that her car will be fixed for half of the price she was expecting, helping someone with their groceries, or assisting a friend that is in financial need.  It just feels good.  And biblically, I know it's what we are supposed to do. 

But...WHAT ABOUT ME??

Now, I do not mean for that to sound selfish.  Truly I do not.  For me, at this very moment in my life, it is a very, very real question.  Rewind for a second and know that I realize that we are not supposed to do for others with the expectation of getting something back in return.  I am VERY clear on this, and I haven't ever been that person either.  With that said, when you consistently do something for someone...things that better their lives and allow them to have a second chance, a re-do of sorts,  do you expect respect?  Do you expect them to be honest and transparent with you? Is it too much to expect that when you're helping someone out so much and the time comes that you need help...help running an errand, help cleaning your home, whatever the case may be...that they are there for you?  That you aren't met with a combative "oh I don't have time for that" Or do you just expect that other people in this world are not the same as you?  Do you just expect that your efforts, your hard work and your daily sacrifices go unnoticed and taken for granted (expected)?  This is what I struggle with.  I struggle with it physically, emotionally and everything in-between.  And I am now struggling with anger.  Monstrous anger.  And again, that is not me!  I have come to the conclusion that I struggle so much with it because Seven days a week is spent making sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and all cozy in their little life...and what I (we) do just isn't important.  As long as their needs are being met...and met...and met and....But doing these things has caused so much strife in my marriage that is on the verge of being unreal!  We made this decision together but the decision is working its way into every sliver of every crack it can find and flooding us.  At what point do you stop caring what happens and jump off the train that is barreling down the tracks and save your relationship?  I'm at that point right now.  I am at the point that I just don't care anymore.  I care about my husband and our future, but not about much else!  The thing is, if these things being done by us were not going unnoticed or unappreciated I don't believe for one second that I would feel like this!  But when are consistent with your giving and then you ask for a small favor and it just can't seem to be met, that's where you feel like jumping off that train...once it happens enough times.


I really don't mean for this post to be negative.  I know it is and I am sorry.  But this is what happens when you keep your emotions locked up for months..and months!  So hang in there with me!!  Please! 

These things we are doing for other people have consumed our life.  Consumed every aspect of it.  I am somehow going to figure out a way to stop the madness.  TO get off of this 'crazy train' and say NO.  I am going to figure out a way to do for myself, my husband, my marriage MY family!  And then I will make my way back to the love of helping others.  But for now, I am kind of done with it.  A season, only a season.  I need a brief break from it!  I need to figure out a way to get back to taking care of my heart and feeding my soul.  I need to learn to take the time to do the things I enjoy, however minuscule, ridiculous or selfish anyone in the outside world thinks they are.  I choose to see my husband and spend time with him that means something, not just those brief moments at work or those last few moments before our exhausted heads fall on our pillows, no, I mean real moments.  We deserve that.

Don't get me wrong, I have NO regrets.  I would do it all over again, but this time I would do it with a bit of insight, a bit of growth and A LOT of boundaries! 

On Our Way

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

We did it! We successfully loaded up and headed out of the place we called home for nine months, the place we became one and a family, and the place we felt like fish out of water! It was hard to leave the little kids, but we know why we are doing this and it will be good for everyone. I am once again sitting in our truck while the amazing man thay I am blessed enough to call my husband drives, currently throuh a torrential downpour! We are barrelling down Highway 76 and the compass says WEST! First stop? Denver for a funfilled day with one of my greatest true friends, Tara! Pedicires, Coach outlet, lunch and the best part of the day...girltalk! I can't wait! As I have said before, this was a really difficult decision, but a very necessary one. And once we got on the road, Mark oficially became excited! He is brainstorming and planning all kinds of things for our new business! It has been a great drive so far! We have been so busy and exhausted the past few weeks it is refreshing to just be stuck in the truck with each other! Such deep conversation! I am blessed, this I am quite certain of. Please keep us in your prayers, not only for the rest of the drive, but our new venture too! We will keep you posted!

Unconventional

Church. It is something that I need, yet something that isn't always convenient. And being here in MN we thought we would fit right back into our church we attended when we lived here before. But, for some reason, it just wasn't working for us. Maybe it is because when we attended there we were both married to other people and this just felt strange going back to the same place? We told ourselves that for a while and tried to get over it. But in the end? It just didn't speak to us; we left there every single time feeling no different than when we walked in. It was frustrating and discouraging all at the same time. Let me preface this by saying that both Mark and I fully understand and agree with tithing, however, when that is all that is spoken about and every sermon is wrapped up in this, it gets somewhat irritating. We want, no, we need to hear other teachings, ones that pertain to our life and our struggles. So, after months of frustration, we finally conceded to the fact that it just wasn't working for us.







Last year when we lived in Vegas we had a church home. It was a huge church and when Mark first suggested we go (he had been there before) I was somewhat hesitant. I mean, for the most part, I do not care for a church that has thousands of people. But, I trusted him so I went. Within minutes of sitting in the stadium auditorium I knew I was "home" The second Pastor Jud started talking it was as if he was speaking directly at both of us! I have not experienced this very many times in my life. But I have to say, it is an amazing and absolutely beautiful feeling! I felt like my heart belonged right there at Central Christian and I was so ecstatic about it! We looked forward to going every Sunday and I kid you not, without fail, every time we sat in those chairs it was like Pastor Jud knew everything we were dealing with and going through at that moment! It was insane! Not one sermon was about giving to the church, yet we still did, even when we didn't have it. The minute I left Vegas I missed it badly.






As we were deciding to go back to the Vegas area, one of the things we were exited about was being able to go back to Central. We are both so eager to be spiritually fed and this is the place we both feel most at home. So that is exactly what we are going to do! Only a couple of short week until we are back in those seats and back to The Lord speaking to us through Pastor Jud....but as it turns out, we don't have to wait two weeks....this is where Unconventional comes in!






Neither one of us has ever been to church in an automobile, that is until yesterday! That's right; thanks to all of this great technology we have we were able to watch both last week’s sermon and yesterdays on my phone while sitting in the truck! It was great! And his current teaching series? Relationship Rehab! WHOA! Here we go again, completely speaking to US! We sat in that truck for over an hour and listened to every word. When church was over, we both felt amazingly refreshed and enlightened! Like we were armed and ready to take things on. All of the things that are on our horizon, all of the challenges life has been throwing at us. What an amazing feeling!






So now, we are both ready to leave MN and head back to NV and get involved with this church. Gone are the days of us being the "Sunday Church People" So exciting!!!

Unconditional Love

I was talking to a very dear friend of mine, she is going through a very painful time in her life with divorce looming in the not so far distance.  Our conversation took me back to that time in my life when I was going through the same situation.  I remember while I was in the midst of it, I could not see the end.  It was as if there was absolutely no light at the end of that long dark tunnel I was in.  As I was trying to encourage her and give her some advice, I realized at that moment how blessed I am.  I am blessed with such an amazing husband.  A husband who loves me with his whole heart, unconditionally. 

I think it can be very easy for people, myself included, to take things you have in life for granted.  Unconditional love is not something any of us should take for granted!  Rather it is something that should be embraced and learned from.  Not everyone gives unconditional love, however I do believe that everyone is capable of it. 

We learn at an early age, in Sunday School, that God wants us to love everyone unconditionally.  I know for me that has been a challenge in life, yet over the past two years I have tried very hard to do this.  Mark has helped me in that by showing me unconditional love.  He definitely gives it to every single person who crosses his path.  As I looked up the meaning of Unconditional Love on the Internet, I found two definitions.  Well, I suppose one is a definition and the other is just, I don't know, something that struck me.  Here they are....

The meaning of unconditional love sounds simple.  Unconditional love means that you will love someone no matter what they do.  This does not mean that you do not see their faults.  You just continue loving them in spite of these faults.

And then I stumbled across this, I believe these are the unspoken words we say when we love someone unconditionally....

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be.


Don't get me wrong, I am not claiming that unconditional love comes easily, it doesn't in a lot of cases.  However, I do believe that it is our duty as human beings to love people.  God loves us unconditionally, and I know from my own life, that there have been countless times, and more to come I am quite certain, that I did not in any way deserve His love.  But, He loved me anyway.  So yes, it is our job to love everyone who crosses our paths, whether it be for a moment in time, or a lifetime, unconditionally.  You don't have to like everyone, but liking someone and giving them unconditional love are two very different things.  In fact, that is a favorite saying that I use, as of late I have used it quite a bit!  "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now."  When I first heard that, I couldn't understand it, but due to circumstances in my life in the past several months I have discovered what this means. 

One thing I have discovered is that loving unconditionally is very freeing!  Especially when you are giving it to people who really might not "deserve" it.  And I believe it is so freeing because that is exactly how God intended it to be given....think about it, it is the way He loves all of us, isn't it?

Seems the older I get, I am figuring these things out!  Who would have ever thought that!  But seriously now, wouldn't this world be such a happier place to dwell if we could all pass this around?  We are all people and we all have the desire to be loved, truly loved.  It really isn't too hard.  We all should stop taking things for granted, look at what we do have, right?  I did this today, I took a long hard look at my life, and here is what I discovered...

I have a loving, caring husband, I have true friends, I have amazing kids, wonderful family, a house, food on the table, clothes on my back, lights and running water...and the list goes on.  So many of us only focus on the bad, and yes, there is bad in all of our lives, but it should never take precedence in our life! 

Our Decision

Well, the word is pretty much out now...the big decision I wrote about earlier is that we are moving.  Yes, moving back to NV. (and no, Mark will not be working at his old shop).  It is something we have been contemplating for a while now.  As I said earlier, it was a very hard decision, one we put a lot of thought and prayer into.  We have had so much turmoil in the past few months here in MN.  Most of which is because when we got married it upset a certain someone.  We have gone back and forth for quite some time now and well, we finally came to the decision, together, that we married each other for a reason.  We got married because we love each other deeply, we are best friends, we have always been there for each other no matter what.  When you take your vows, you promise each other, and God, for better or worse, in sickness and health, among other things...and this whole situation has definitely put that to the test.  But, we are one, and just because this is our second marriage, we are still choosing to honor it and put our marriage first.  The bottom line is that we are both in this for life, by choice and we are happy about it.  Now, I know that some of you reading this might not understand or even agree with our decision, that is alright, we aren't asking you to.  But, as our friends, we do ask that you support us as we would you. 

We will be flying back to MN once a month to spend four days (sometimes more) with the kids.  The kids know and are on board with it.  They will be with us in NV for Christmas, Spring Break and Summer. 

This is a new chapter in our journey, one of many chapters.  While it was a difficult choice, we are both happy about it and looking forward to the new and exciting things life has in store for us.  We are a family and nothing will change that. 

As for what we will be doing...we will be starting a business together!  We are really looking forward to it too!  Life is full of opportunity and we are seizing it!  Life is also full of unknown, but when you are walking into the unknown with a person you can trust with your life, it doesn't seem so frightening! 

In my last entry, I talked about the meaning of True Friends.  For those of you who read it, please don't think it was about you.  We are well aware that we have an abundance of true friends, and we are very thankful for you. 

We hope that you will support us as well as be excited for us.  I can promise you there will be some great stories added to our blog throughout the next month as we depart on this new journey!

Friends vs. True Friends

Isn't it a common thing to hear (and for most of us to say) "that's my friend, or, oh, she's a friend of mine" well, I think the word friend tends to be used too freely.  There is such a difference between friend and acquaintance.  But, it seems as if we all forget that, and I have come to discover that because of this, we open ourselves up for hurt, disappointment, and a lot of very bad advice! 

As of late, our life has been somewhat tumultuous.  Because of this, we have had to make some very difficult and somewhat painful decisions.  These decisions are to better our marriage, no, actually to ensure that we remain married.  Don't get me wrong, Mark and I are fine, but we are having such huge issues with his ex wife that we have had to make these choices.  Now, I know for me, if I am your friend and you come to me with a problem you are having and let's just say for arguments sake that you have come to a decision.  You explain to me that this decision did not come lightly and you have done a lot of praying and thinking about it.  I, as your friend would offer you support!  I would tell you if I thought there was maybe a different solution, however, I would never suggest destructive life altering solutions to you! 

This is exactly what has happened.  Mark has such a huge heart and the choice we have come to together was a difficult one.  So, he tells one of his friends and this person's reaction absolutely FLOORED me and Mark!  His reaction was that we should just get divorced!  Yes, you read correctly!  His solution was that we should just throw in the towel and let Rene win!  I could NOT believe my ears and from the look on my husband's face, he couldn't either!  Later in the evening, I looked at Mark and told him that this person was not a true friend.  Real true friends would never ever suggest such an absurd thing!  I know I wouldn't.  Let's see, here you have this couple who has been married 4 months, by all accounts, they are happy.  They love each other and it is obvious, the only thing not running smoothly in their life is an ex wife.  So it's only logical to suggest that they just call it quits right?  I was appalled!  No, he is not a true friend.  This sparked a whole conversation between us about true friends vs. acquaintances. 

Just as I was feeling pretty sad about the whole thing, I got a text (meant for both of us) from a friend...yes a true friend, and she was about to show us how much of a true friend she really was!  This person we have both known for years, Mark longer than myself.  In fact, both of our ex's used to work with her and Mark was even in her wedding! 

This is what I consider to be a TRUE FRIEND.....

She doesn't really know the whole situation, we haven't told her everything, but have told her a little bit, as well as told her the decision we have made.  She sent a text saying this: "Thank you for everything you and Mark do!  You are an amazing team and don't forget that or let anyone else make you think differently!  Nothing worth having comes easy!  I love you both and you need to stay strong for each other, life is a roller coaster!  You have to do what is best for the two of you, because in the end, that's all that matters!  Nobody knows what you live with except you two.  It is so easy to take things to heart but you have to think about you two first and then the kids.  People can give their opinion but it doesn't matter because they don't live it every day.  Be strong like you have been, that's what makes you guys you!  Be happy, you guys have earned it.  Take a deep breath and let God handle it, everything happens for a reason!"

I really couldn't believe what I was reading!  Just as I was starting to doubt that we had any true friends (besides our family) who would stand behind us and support us in our decisions, she sent this.  I needed, we both needed, at that very moment to hear those words, and somehow, 40 miles away, she knew this!  So, we both went to bed last night feeling refreshed, feeling like we really do have true friends out there and even if there are a couple of acquaintances that don't really have our best interest at heart, there are friends, true friends that do!  And for this, I am SO thankful.

Don't get me wrong, I know we have more true friends than just this one, but she is the one who is standing out right now.  You know who you are and all I/we can say is thank you...from the bottom of our hearts, thank you. 

Disclaimer:  To all of our family (and Belt Buckley Family) we know you are true friends in the entire sense of the word!!

Marriage, Blended Family and Big Decisions!

Four months!  Seriously, where did the time go?  It seems like we were just planning the wedding and now we've been married four months!  Time goes by so quickly!  I kind of want it to slow down a little bit!  We knew when we chose to be together that it would come with some consequences and most definitely some roller coaster rides.  Not between the two of us but from outside forces!  And that is exactly what has happened. 

I came from a broken home, but I was 14 when it happened, I never had to deal with being a child of a blended family or a step-parent.  Although I lived with my dad and I didn't ever really like any of his girlfriends.  Mark, however, did not grow up in a broken home.  His parents divorced when he was an adult.  So this is pretty much uncharted territory for both of us.  Well, when we were dating, everything was fantastic!   But when I tell you the MINUTE we got married, everything changed with his oldest....I mean the MINUTE!  We weren't even halfway through our reception when it all started to change.  But, I love those kids, I love them just as much as I love mine.  I know for some of you that might be hard to believe....you're probably saying "not possible to love somebody else's children as much or in the same way as your own" And that might be true if they were anyone else's kids besides Mark's.  But I love Mark SO much that it is just natural to love his kids too.  But, this has been a struggle.  And for the first time in my life, I have come to understand the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you right now"  Boy, have I come to understand that phrase! 

The bottom line is that she wants her parents married.  She has said that to us and made it perfectly clear that she will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  So, I have encouraged Mark to spend some one on one time with her.  He has and it hasn't really helped.  He has explained to her that he loves her very much but that he will never be married to her mommy again.  So she has made a choice to become very unruly.  But that hasn't changed the way either one of us deal with her or love her.  We still have our rules at home, and because she has to follow them and she can't do whatever she wants, she has made a choice to stay at her mom's and not come to our house with the other two.  And that is fine.  I have explained to her that I do not want to take her mom's place, but that I do love her.  It's a rough thing for a child and the LAST thing needed is one of the parents or step-parents making it harder....but.....that's what is happening!

When we returned from Seattle, we found out...from the kids....that while we were gone they had come to our house with Mommy!  They climbed throuhg a window and got to show Mommy their bedrooms.  Then Mommy had to do some work in Daddy's room so they had to stay downstairs.  Naturally, I got pretty upset and scared.  When I started crying, Nancy put her hand on my shoulder and said "it's ok, it will all be ok because Daddy's moving back into our house in a couple of weeks and Mommy and Daddy are getting married again."  When we asked her why she said that, she responded with "Mommy told us!" So needless to say, both of us have been a little freaked out! And the most frustrating part is that I know if their Mom wasn't playing these kinds of games, Liza would be just fine.  These games weren't played when we were just dating, but in the past four months they have been played in full force!  It's been like Field Day on Steroids!!

So yes, there is a lot of stress in our lives right now.  We are in the midst of making some difficult decisions about life.  But one thing that we do know is that both of us are in this forever and neither one of us is sorry, even with all of the crap going on that we chose to get married.  That is one thing we are both very thankful for.  But there will be some very big changes coming for the Cate's.  I can promise you that.