Writing. I love it. It frees my soul. I miss it. But I don't seem to have the time for this guilty little pleasure as of late.
This isn't something that would seem to take a lot of time, but in my world, when I think about sitting down and writing, it seems as though it will take years. I have these fleeting moments during the day that I could probably grab my keyboard and make a few strokes...but I fear they would be meaningless because my focus wouldn't be on the words and the strokes would just be letters on a screen.
THAT is not what I envision when I 'daydream' about writing! I picture myself in warm flannel pajamas, wrapped up in an ultra soft cotton blanket with a *very* large cup of JO and my little Newman curled up sleeping at my feet that are cloaked in hand knitted slippers! THAT. IS. WHAT. I. IMAGINE.
Realistic? No. Not every.single.day. But once in a while? Sure! Why not? Every girl deserves that sort of fantasy right? I do believe so!
But today that is not my reality. So I sit here, a bit (maybe a big bit) blue and decide to throw all caution (aka responsibility) to the wind and put my cold fingers to my keyboard and stroke words that actually mean something! You see, writing is my antidepressant. My Prozac. My Zoloft. My Xanax. Whatever. It just is. I chose a long time ago to self medicate with writing instead of 'real' medication. If I were truly in need of said meds, would I just stop? No. I don't think so. So why have I been so quick to cut this 'medication' MY medication out of my daily life? that is the question that has been haunting my waking moments, and sometimes my dreams.
Ok, now that all of that is said I can get onto writing what I really want to write today!
I realize in life that most everyone has a full plate. I really do understand that. I don't think that I am the only person on the face of the earth and I can both sympathize and empathize with other human beings. I know that my life is pretty privileged so understand that I'm not "complaining" I'm "venting" Everyone needs to vent, right?
When I look back at my marriage, just 3 short years in, it feels like an eternity. Not because I don't love my husband, not because he doesn't make me happy. Quite the contrary actually. I love him more today than I did on the day I married him. I respect him and cherish him immensely. But, it feels like an eternity because our life is so full! Full of amazing things that bring so much joy and blessing to us (and others) but also full of so many other things too...outside forces, responsibilities, commitments, heartbreaks, missing memories...just so much.
The thing I've been trying to figure out for the past couple of months is why do I (we) do so much for people? It has started to feel like such a chore and I hate that! I have always been a person who loves to do for others. I love it. I love to do that random thing that will brighten a day of a friend or stranger, I love to help anyone, and we have. Boy oh boy have we done that! But, situations this year have made me almost start to despise it, and I don't want that for my life! I want to have a joyful giving heart...I feel as though it's one of life's keys...a very large key to happiness and success! And let's just be honest, it makes one feel as though they are floating on air. It's, at times, euphoric! Seeing that mom smile because you've just told her that her car will be fixed for half of the price she was expecting, helping someone with their groceries, or assisting a friend that is in financial need. It just feels good. And biblically, I know it's what we are supposed to do.
But...WHAT ABOUT ME??
Now, I do not mean for that to sound selfish. Truly I do not. For me, at this very moment in my life, it is a very, very real question. Rewind for a second and know that I realize that we are not supposed to do for others with the expectation of getting something back in return. I am VERY clear on this, and I haven't ever been that person either. With that said, when you consistently do something for someone...things that better their lives and allow them to have a second chance, a re-do of sorts, do you expect respect? Do you expect them to be honest and transparent with you? Is it too much to expect that when you're helping someone out so much and the time comes that you need help...help running an errand, help cleaning your home, whatever the case may be...that they are there for you? That you aren't met with a combative "oh I don't have time for that" Or do you just expect that other people in this world are not the same as you? Do you just expect that your efforts, your hard work and your daily sacrifices go unnoticed and taken for granted (expected)? This is what I struggle with. I struggle with it physically, emotionally and everything in-between. And I am now struggling with anger. Monstrous anger. And again, that is not me! I have come to the conclusion that I struggle so much with it because Seven days a week is spent making sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and all cozy in their little life...and what I (we) do just isn't important. As long as their needs are being met...and met...and met and....But doing these things has caused so much strife in my marriage that is on the verge of being unreal! We made this decision together but the decision is working its way into every sliver of every crack it can find and flooding us. At what point do you stop caring what happens and jump off the train that is barreling down the tracks and save your relationship? I'm at that point right now. I am at the point that I just don't care anymore. I care about my husband and our future, but not about much else! The thing is, if these things being done by us were not going unnoticed or unappreciated I don't believe for one second that I would feel like this! But when are consistent with your giving and then you ask for a small favor and it just can't seem to be met, that's where you feel like jumping off that train...once it happens enough times.
I really don't mean for this post to be negative. I know it is and I am sorry. But this is what happens when you keep your emotions locked up for months..and months! So hang in there with me!! Please!
These things we are doing for other people have consumed our life. Consumed every aspect of it. I am somehow going to figure out a way to stop the madness. TO get off of this 'crazy train' and say NO. I am going to figure out a way to do for myself, my husband, my marriage MY family! And then I will make my way back to the love of helping others. But for now, I am kind of done with it. A season, only a season. I need a brief break from it! I need to figure out a way to get back to taking care of my heart and feeding my soul. I need to learn to take the time to do the things I enjoy, however minuscule, ridiculous or selfish anyone in the outside world thinks they are. I choose to see my husband and spend time with him that means something, not just those brief moments at work or those last few moments before our exhausted heads fall on our pillows, no, I mean real moments. We deserve that.
Don't get me wrong, I have NO regrets. I would do it all over again, but this time I would do it with a bit of insight, a bit of growth and A LOT of boundaries!
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